Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
