My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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