I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
