i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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