i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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