remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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