tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
