did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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