i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
