seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize