Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
