I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
