Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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