i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
How external is "for external use only"?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
