Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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