well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
