Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
