Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
