If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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