I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Randomize
