ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
