This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
