Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
