looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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