Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
