I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
