Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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