Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I bet he comes in French.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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