Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
