I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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