How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
