I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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