Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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