Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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