I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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