dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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