Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
so let's talk penis.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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