apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
