In the future we'll all be gay
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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