he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Randomize
