Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
