I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
you never un-have a 4some
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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