Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
