i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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