I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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