seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
