duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
