I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
