She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
