he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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